Thoughts & Emotions Release #1
A sorority is suppose to be a group of girls sharing a tight bond and be welcomed into a sisterhood. I never had much female friends, I found it very hard to maintain a friendship with a girl because of all the cat fights and drama but I joined one anyways. Lately, I haven’t feeling the intimicy of a sorority. I wanted to go away and avoid sisters, I wanted to be m.i.a for a while, I wanted to give up my letters. I guess its the responsibilities I’m having now but things have become a burden, drama came up that I didn’t welcome addressing.
So all in all even though there was a confrontation of some sort tonight with some sisters, it wasn’t a personal attack against me but I was still unable to tell my side of the story without making it sound like I’m just saying it to make a point or to justify myself. I sat back and just took it and didn’t say a word.
It got me thinking…my whole life I’ve been just sitting back and let people bitch at me or argue a one sided situation to my face. Thoughts run through my head in what I want to say at that particular moment but I never do. I never say it outloud, just in my head. I’ve been that way all my life. I don’t share those thoughts with family, boyfriend or friends even though I trust them. It’s just how my life has always been.
I hold in thoughts and I emotionally breakdown seconds, minutes, hours or days after. I cry it out, I sit by myself, whatever it is I’m doing to cope…I do it by myself. I don’t want to be weak if I am emotional at the moment I rather be by myself rather for people to see it. I’ll never forgive myself if I let someone see me that way. A few people can see the build up, some is oblivious to my thoughts and how I am. Those oblivious to it see only a girl who jokes around and likes to have fun.
I dunno why its so hard for me to open up when I’m usually blunt with people. But on some thoughts I hold it in. And til now, I still don’t understand why I do it.
Sigh…I’m in need of a beer now.
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If ever there were a time to open out of your shell and speak out, that night was it. but don’t fret! you will get another chance at breaking your shell. life is full of them and thats what life is made of - opportunitites. it didn’t go unnoticed that night when you started to tear up. and if no one else noticed, rest assured that i noticed. i know how it feels to feel that way. more and more everyday i feel the same. from the beginning there have been issues in the sorority, many of which we were told not to pry into. but now that you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, this is your chance to break out and do what Joyce wants to do, not what they want you to do. if a beer makes you feel better then fuck it, drink. if a good cry will help, then fuck it, cry. cry till your ducts run dry. and know that im always here when you need me. and cathy is always there for you too. it wasnt an attack to you. and yea there are things between you and another sister need to fix. take it upon yourself to be the bigger person and do what you have been doing the whole time that makes you comfortable. i cant sit here and tell you why you are the way you are, nor why you cant talk to those you trust. we all might have our own speculations why, but its you that has to figure it out. just know that no matter how long it takes or how hard it is to figure out:
I will always be there to ignite that flame of hope, and endure the journey with you.
love you sis,
Ignite <3
